My Little Hellsing Ultimate Abridged
by Gordon1Freeman3
Summary: Hellsing Abridged with My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic characters. All this is. First chapter is character list. Rated T because it's Hellsing Ultimate Abridged
1. Cast

**Okay, so this Idea has been stuck in my head for a while, and thought I'd just go ahead and post it. Hellsing is owned by Kouta Hirano, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is owned by Hasbro and Lauren Faust, and Hellsing Ultimate Abridged is the idea of Team Four Star and Takahata 101.**

**Now before the first Chapter is posted, I don't have a full idea on who is gonna play who. This is the basic character from one show replaces character from a different show. This is who I have.**

**Alucard: Spike**

**Integra: Twilight**

**Walter: Rarity**

**Seras: Fluttershy**

**Alexander Anderson: Applejack**

**The Major: Queen Chrysalis**

**Sir Penwood: Shining Armor**

**Pip: Rainbow Dash**

**Luke Valentine: Octavia**

**Jan (pronounced like yawn) Valentine: Vynal Scratch**

**(they will be sisters)**

**Doctor: Discord**

**Schrodinger: ?**

**Enrico Maxwell: Time Turner AKA Doctor Whooves**

**Tublacain Alahambra A.K.A. Dandy Man: ?**

**The Queen: Celestia (Of course, who didn't see that)**

**Rip Van Winkle: Pinkie Pie**

**I'm sure there are more characters from the abridged series that I missed, and if so, please tell me. I would also Like suggestions for the characters I don't have and the ones I'm unsure of. All characters must be from MLP:FIM, if the character plays a small role, but does have a name, like Reggie, then I won't replace them. All characters are human!  
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**There is a reason I changed Luke and Jan. I was writing the story and the thought occured to me that Luke is a "classy" guy. Octavia is a classy pony. Jan is just a complete asshole and does what he wants. While Vynal has never had any lines and there for, doesn't really have a personality outside of what the fans have given her. Her fannon personality is the kind that does what she wants most of the time, yet know the repercussions. Vynal was the only pony I could think of that came closest to Jan's personality. So if this explains my reasoning for switching Lyra and Bon Bon, then good. If not, well, hopefully you'll see it in the chapter.**


	2. Psych, Hitler

This is the story about a world of adventure, a sea full of excitement, and a man full of dreams and a passion that seeks to drive him to the top

"MY NAME IS MONKEY D. LUFFY, AND I'M GONNA BE KING OF THE..."

Sorry, wrong story.

Our story actually starts in an old decrepit building where two young lovers are about to... well you get it.

"Oh, uh, oh yes, I love you, Edward," Said a brown haired girl.

"And I... Love you... Bella," replied Edward. There was then there was a knock at the door.

"Hold on," Edward then went to the door, "Who is it?"

"Oh you know," said a voice from the other side before gun shots were heard and bullets came flying through the door, hitting Edward thirty-seven times in the chest.

"A real fucking vampire," said a tall green haired man in a purple trench coat and fedora, black suit, white gloves, and orange tinted glasses. This was Spike.

**_Que Intro_**

Up on the roof of the building, we see a woman in a yellow uniform with long light pink hair, and big tits.

_'Police-girl, do you have the target?" _asked Spike though his telepathic link with the woman. Why telepathy? Well because black magic.

"Okay, master, my name is Fluttershy," Fluttershy said in a quiet yet stern voice, "And yes, I have the target in sight."

_'Well, better take the shot," _Spike taunted, still using telepathy, _"You're letting her get away."_

"If you just give me a second to concentration I could..."

"She's getting away," Spike said, appearing behind Fluttershy, "She's running."

Fluttershy's eyes then turned red, "I get it, I'm lining up the..."

"Going to miss it, going to miss it," Spike taunted more.

"Just be quiet and let me..."

"Hey, Police girl! Hey, hey, Police girl."

In her anger and aggravation with Spike, Fluttershy pulls the trigger on her rifle, killing Bella with one shot.

"THERE, I TOOK FUCKING THE SHOT!" Fluttershy yelled with her somehow still quiet voice, "SHE'S DEAD, THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE!"

"Oh, you are just a treat."

-One week earlier-

"Now your probably thinking 'How did all this come about'?" Spike asked the audience, while we get a flash back to a week ago of him walking through the woods, "Well it all started on a midnight stroll through the woods. The air was clear the moon was full. I was dying to sink my teeth into something."

Spike then looked to the sky, the light from the moon reflecting off his glasses.

"Get it? Because I'm a vampire," Spike then laughed... "It's funny."

In a clearing there was a homicidal vampire priest who took notice of Spike walking by.

"So, you came. To bad you're far too late," Said the vampire priest.

"What?" Spike said in confusion.

"Everyone's already dead, except this little tart," We then see that the homicidal vampire priest is holding Fluttershy, who is wearing a blue police uniform as this is in the past, "But trust me, I still plan to kill her."

"Mm-hmm."

"But first, I'm going to rape her."

"Neat."

"But before I can do any of that, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"Oh?" Spike started, not taking any of this seriously, "See that would be intimidating if you were well... intimidating."

The vampire priest growled in agitation. "Are you mocking me?"

"Oh, no,no,no,no,no... Pfft, yeah." Spike then shot the homicidal vampire priest through the heart. And since Fluttershy was in front of the homicidal vampire priest, he shot her in the heart as well. In the background you could also hear the start of Bon Jovi's 'You give love a bad name'

"Well that should about wrap thing up here," Spike said, before he heard gasps of pain coming from the not yet dead Fluttershy.

"Oh, yeah, forgot about you," Spike said, "Sorry about that whole 'shooting you' thing, but I'm sure if you look deep into your heart, which is currently all over that tree, you'll find a way to forgive me."

Fluttershy just looked up at Spike with pleading eyes.

"Awww, you look like a puppy, a blood, eviscerated puppy," Spike said, and soon he couldn't take the pleading look any longer. It was pretty damn cute. She was also crying

"Faust, fine I'll help you," Spike sad, "But only because you got nice tits.

-000-

"So that's you field report?" Asked Sir Twilight Sparkle, head of the Sparkle organization. She has purple hair with a violet and pink streak in it, and she wears a purple suit. She was currently talking to Spike over the phone.

"Yup," Spike responded over the phone.

"You went on a walk through the woods at midnight."

"Yup.

"You killed a homicidal vampire priest."

"Dead."

"And then you turned someone into a vampire, who happened to be a big tittied.."

"Big tittied police girl," Spike interrupted, "Yes! It's like I just didn't get through explaining this. Now if you don't mind, I have things to do."

"Things, what things?" Twilight asked, "You don't do things."

"Yes I do, "Spike replied, "I take enthusiastic walks through the woods."

"And kill homicidal vampire priest?"

"Very enthusiastic walks."

-One week later-

"So that's you field report?" Twilight asked.

"Yup," Spike replied over the phone.

"So you broke into the house..."

"Yup,"

"Shot him thirty-six times in the chest."

"Thirty-_seven_," Spike corrected.

"And took out his partner," Twilight concluded.

"To be fair, that was the Police girl," Spike admitted, "With the big titties."

"You need to stop going on walks," Twilight said with an exhausted voice.

"And you need to hurry up and hook up some Faust damned DSL in here," Spike retorted.

"Ugh!" Twilight groaned, "Listen, you have an assignment in Ireland."

"Ohh, I've never hunted a Leprechaun before," Spike said, excited, "Do you think if shot one with my gun, Lucky Charms would explode everywhere?"

"Sweet Faust," Twilight said, tired of Spike bullshit, "Just get to Ireland, kill the vampire who's taken over the hospital there, and bring the Police girl with you."

"Aww, come on," Spike wined, "I have to bring her everywhere."

"Ah-ah-ah, non of the sass," Twilight retorted.

"Yes, _mom_."

-Meanwhile, in Italy-

"So, what can Ah do for ya Father O'MallyO'ConnelO'CarrolO'ReilyO'BrianO'Sullivan... Of who is also italian," Said a blonde woman in a southern United States accent. She wore a black suit with a priest collar and a black trench coat. She also wore a cowboy hat. It looked pretty odd with her clothing choice as a catholic priest.

"Tell-a me Applejack," Asked the father, "What is you favorite thing to do?"

"Spreadn the word an love of Lauren Faust to the many people o' the world, teachin piece and love to all," Applejack replied with a smile on her face.

"And-a killing-a vampires?" Asked the father again.

"Oh, jus' try ta fuckin stop me," Applejack said with a sadistic grin on her face.

"And what about... Protestants?"

"Second verse same as the first," Applejack said, that same sadistic smile on her face, "Now put me on a plane, so i can put 'em in a hearse!"

-In Ireland-

Outside of an abandoned hospital in Ireland, we see Fluttershy sitting on the steps with her rifle in hand.

"Hey, Police girl, Police girl," Spike yelled from inside the hospital, which you could hear gunshots coming from, "This is awesome, you should totally join in."

Fluttershy just huffed.

"Seriously, there's like... forty zombies in here," Spike continued, "Just one shot to the head and they explode! it's like House of the Dead, only like... a hundred times more awesome!"

Fluttershy, now completely annoyed with her masters stupidity, just rolls through the door and readies her weapon.

"Alright fine, I'll shoot one of the rotten bastards," Fluttershy quietly yells, then mutters, "Can't be that much fun."

Fluttershy aims her rifle at one of the ghouls then pulls the trigger, blowing the head up. Her eyes then glow red.

"Oh fuck the hell yes." Dropping her gun, Fluttershy runs up to the nearest ghoul and elbows it in the face, caving in it's skull. Another ghouls, she ripped its arms off and beat it to death with them. She continued on in her blood rage, until no ghouls where left. Looking at her blood covered hand, she slowly brought it up to taste the blood of her victims.

"Sweet Black Fucking Sabbath," Spike said, "If I wasn't holding out for that beast of a woman Twilight, I'd fuck the red right out of those eyes."

The Fluttershy was stabbed in the throat by a blessed bayonet, right as she was about to lick the blood from her hand.

"Well, kinda like that, only with less symbolism and more my penis in your vagina," Spike said, not really fazed that his fledgling was stabbed in the throat, then he sniffed the air, "Huh? Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here."

Looking behind him, Spike saw a shadowy figure round the corner, with a stetson hat on her head.

"Well, well, well, If it isn't the Catholic church," Spike said, "And what's this? No little Pipsqueak glued to you crotch, progress."

"And look what he have here," The figure replied, "A bloody heathen."

"Excuse me, but I'm a fuck-mothering vampire," Spike retorted, "I killed a LOT of people to get this title. I deserve to be called such."

"Well, then, Mind is ah ask ya yer name?"

"Only if you give yours first, papist," Spike replies.

"Fine, Ah'll give ya the courtesy, Tha names..."

-At the Sparkle Mansion-

"Applejack," Said the Sparkle maid, who for some reason dressed as a butler, and curly purple hair.

Twilight looked up with a surprised face. "Oh, fuck all kinds of duck."

-Back in Ireland-

"You have been chosen to reveal my existence to the world," Applejack said, "You will witness what happens here today, and you will tell of it later... Except you won't," Applejack then puts her blessed bayonets in the form of a cross, sparks flying off the blades, "Cause I'll kill ya." Applejack then laughed sadistically.

"Oh brilliant speech," Spike started, "And totally unoriginal, that's totally from Boondock Saints."

"What? No it isn't" Applejack said, "I came up with it a week ago."

"Whatever," Spike continued, "We're here for the vampire."

"The only one left here is your sorry pale ass."

The Fluttershy tried to talk, however, the only thing that came out was a chocked gurgle.

"Yeah, yeah, give me a minute," Spike told her before turning back to Applejack, "So what do you want anyway? The nearest elementary school is at least ten kilometers away."

"It is yer corrupt Ah claim," Applejack started, readying two more bayonets, "It is your evil that will be sought by me with every breath..."

"Boondock _Saints_," Spike said, "Seriously, you must watch that movie religiously. Hehe, get it?"

"You know what, fuck it," Applejack said, fed up with Spikes bullshit, "Knife."

"Knife?" Was all Spike said before he was stabbed in the shoulder, then he readied his gun, "Boom," And shot Applejack in the head, "Headshot."

Spike then put his gun away and turned to Fluttershy.

"Well, now that that's over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite breakfast cereal, Count Cho..." Was all Spike said before his head went flying.

"Master!" Flutterhy whispered/yelled in her injured state.

"Well, now that that's over, how about we go back to ma place for a bowl of ma favorite beakfast cereal, Frankenber..." Applejack the turned to find both Fluttershy and Spikes head gone, "Oh, SON OF A PROTESTANT WHORE! Well, ya know wha time it is," Applejack said, and held two bayonets out at her sides pointing to the ground. It made it look as if Applejack wanted to rape Fluttershy.

-with Fluttershy-

Fluttershy was walking down the hall holding her masters head while bleeding pretty badly.

"See, this kinda shit is why I stopped going to church," Fluttershy said to herself.

Then, without realizing she was even hearing it, Fluttershy could hear Spikes voice.

'_Police girl, Police girl, you are reading you masters mind. Put my head between you boobs.'_

Fluttershy then held Spikes head to her chest, "Now I'm all alone," Fluttershy, then took on a sad look, "The only one I had left was you."

_'Good, now put my head between your legs,' _Spikes voice could be heard again, only muffled this time. Then a bayonet flew through the air, pinning Spikes head to the wall.

_'Faust Damnit'_

"It's a shame for ya lost yer head. A careless vampire, who wound up dead. Ya wore yer sin like it was some kinda prize. To many lies... To many lies," Applejack said, as she walked down the hall, bayonets held out to her side.

_'What do I do? WHAT DO I DO?!,' _Fluttershy asked herself, _'I could try seducing her, wait, I'm not an eight year old boy, SHIT!_

"Say yer prayers, young one," Applejack said, before her blades her shot to pieces.

"That girl belongs to me," Twilight said, holding a small hand gun up.

"Well, aren't you the naughty one," Applejack said in return.

"Don't make me shoot you in the fucking head."

"What the hell do ya want, ya crazy protestant bastard," Applejack said.

"I'm a woman," Twilight replied.

"Call yurself whatever ya want, ya crazy protestant bastard."

"You know this is a grave volition of our agreement," Twilight said, fed up with the stupidity in the moment.

"An' what part would tha' be?" Appledjack asked.

"The part where you're here, killing my men," Twilight said, right before Applejack killed her two nameless guards and pinned her to the wall.

"Ah don't know what chou're on about," Applejack said, "Ah'm just doin ma job, killin vampires, an werewolves, an leprechauns. Ah neva actualy found one, but ya think if ah cut one open with ma knife, it would spill out Luck Charms?"

"Enough," Twilight said, royally pissed, "Where's Spike?!"

"Oh, him," Apple asked, "Ah killed 'em."

"Killed him?"

"Cut off his bloody head."

Twilight then got a smug look on her face, "Oh, well that's step one, what about two through ten?"

"Ah Faust," Apple then turned around to she a bunch of bats forming Spike.

"Ya done goofed."

"How in the blood soaked protestant hell did ya do that?" Applejack asked, kinda pissed that Spike wasn't dead.

"Fuck you, that's how," Spike replied.

"You know what?' Applejack said, while opening a bible, "Ah've had enough of this, to hell with all ya dirty heathens."

"Eat me, don't forget to write," Spike said as soon as Applejack disappeared.

"Oh, oh my Faust, we survived!" Fluttershy said.

"Sooo.." Spike started.

"What?" asked Twilight.

"Do I get to go after her?"

"No."

"Aww, come on."

"No, and that's final!" Twilight said, "We've got bigger things to worry about. Whoever's behind these vampire attacks, it has to be some kind of large organized group."

"You mean like the Nazis?" Spike asked.

"No that would be retarded."

-Meanwhile-

"Gentlemen, ve are Nazis," Said a bule, greenish haired woman with an odd growth on her forehead that looked like a twisted horn.

"SIEG HEIL, SEIG HEIL!" shouted a bunch of Nazi grunts.

"Und ve, shall have var," the woman continued.

"SEIG HEIL, SEIG HEIL!"

Und ve, und ve... ACHOO!" the woman sneezed.

"GESUNDHEIT, GESUNDHEIT!"

**Happy... late Halloween**


End file.
